"Oral Sex Prevalent Among Teens," announced Friday's Washington Post. "A federal survey finds more than half of 15- to 19-year-olds have had oral sex," said the subhead in the Los Angeles Times. "Sex Survey Shocker; Concern as most American teens have had oral sex," cried the Boston Herald.

Across the United States—and beyond it—any newspaper that didn't focus on lesbianism in the sex survey (released last week by the National Center for Health Statistics) declared a crisis of oral sex among teens. Experts and journalists, unwilling to express plain old moral dismay at the idea of their kids doing the deed, cited its health risks. "Oral sex has been associated in clinical studies with several infections, including gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes and the human papillomavirus," observed the Post. Teens "have not been given a strong enough message about the health risks of oral sex," an expert warned the Times. "We need to provide them with information about the public-health consequences," another expert told Time.

If only it were that simple. Talking to your kids about oral sex is the easy part. If you're going to be frank about the most dangerous widespread activity revealed in the survey, you're looking at the wrong end of the digestive tract.